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Who's to say that i'm not the blame for my own heartbreak?!!!

So broken ..i feel nothing! I feel empty

Summer of 2009

That summer was the darkest time of my young life. I was broken and angry and hurt and empty. That’s when I started writing. I had something in me that I needed to get out. I needed to set myself free. I used to feel so broken that I would just sit in the middle of my bed and cry my heart out. Sometimes I would call my friend and just cry. Depression took over me without my permission. I was in a place I couldn’t get myself out of. I changed that summer. I became an angry person who would snap at anything. I felt lost, with no sense of direction. My parents actually went to a doctor to ask if it’s normal for me to be that way. Of course they didn’t know about what was going inside of me and not even my sister who lives with me in the same room. There was this night when I was lying awake in my bed and I literary felt like the air in my lungs was being sucked out. I sat up and started crying. In that summer I cried myself to sleep every night. Pretending to be fine in front of everyone I know became so normal. I realized that I had to get out of that state when my best friend told me that I have changed and that she can’t recognize the person I have become. To hear my best friend say that struck something in my heart. In that moment the pain that I was feeling was less than the strength I had in me. I vowed that I would be stronger than that. That’s when I started pouring all my emotions into my words. I kept writing until I felt better. I was wrong to keep all that anger within me. Keeping it inside changed me completely. The weight over my chest became less with every word I typed in or wrote down. I’m still not the person I used to be before the summer of 2009 but the person I am now is much wiser and stronger. I have my days like everyone else but I learned that I can’t stay stuck in one place. Life goes on and I have to keep up with it. My friends were always there for me and that helped me tremendously. Knowing that there is someone there that you can always depend on means everything sometimes. There are days when I get so depressed that I wouldn’t even want to get out of bed and sometimes I stay in bed, but I found things that make me want to live my life. Knowing that there will always be a pen and a paper and luckily a keyboard and a monitor, I can keep writing and draw strength through my words. Words can never fail me. The great writers who make fiction sound like reality and make reality sound like a fairy tale, make me believe that one day I can be great too.  

Life...

Being angry will not answer any questions or solve any problems.
Today I kept asking myself why am I the one who's heartbroken? how can I unbreak it? why did it have to be him?
I was talking to myself, so basically I got no answers in the end! I realized it's not what I ask or how I ask it or asking at all that will help me. People say "yea I've been there. I know how you feel" but they actually don't. I'm hurt and angry but those feelings won't harm or benefit me. I'll have to help myself. No one can help me. I'll have to be strong on my own.

Knowing that the person you love is well and alive and happy is better than not having them on this earth at all. Sucking it up when they talk about their new love interest is better than not talking to them at all. When they die, they'll go knowing that someone loved them so much that they didn't care much about the pain they felt.
I can't live in a world where he's not in it. Even if he's with someone else, just knowing that he's happy makes my pain fade away a bit and it gives me hope that I can be happy too.

Naive .. probably! Stupid .. definitely!! Hurt .. immensely!!

Conversation!

So sometimes I have random conversations in my mind. Yes I said it "in my mind" with the other me! :) Am not crazy .. that's just how I come up with things to write and this is what I came up with last night!

"Hey", Andrew said.

I replied with a warm smile, "hey".

"I miss you", he said.

I let out a small laugh, "No you don’t".

"I still love you".

"Now you’re just making me laugh! No you don’t Andrew".

"Yes I do, and I know that you still love me too".

"I did and maybe I still do, but that doesn’t matter".

"Of course it does Lisa".

"Andrew! NO. I stopped waiting for you to tell me you love me or to tell me that you miss me or to kiss me or to make me fall in love with you all over again just because you looked at me in a way that makes me feel like I’m the only one you’ll ever love. I stopped waiting for you the second you told me that you really love her".

"But I left her".

"And I moved on Andrew".

The situation is more of a statement. It depends on the reader.

Heart Beat!

Every movement and every beat of a heart has its own inspiration, its own reason and its own logic. It doesn’t matter whether it’s beating calmly or really fast, the music it creates is unreal. The music of a broken heart is much like the music of a broken record. Both never going to mend but craving to be healed, to be heard again, and to be loved again. A broken heart!! It feels like every breath taken is a reminder of the pain, and of the unhealed. The unstoppable stream of tears looks like permanent company of the broken heart. When will that betraying company leave? Only heaven knows. That journey they call healing looks like a long way ahead. When will it end?! When does it begin?! There is no ending or beginning, it’s just a course of life. It’s only a part of that broken beautiful being that heals. It’ll be known when it’s healed. It’ll be known when breathing doesn’t hurt. When a breath of fresh air will be enjoyed, it’ll be known that it’s healed.

Fresh out the oven!

This is my first blog post and to be frank this is not my idea. I love writing and it's what I want to do, but I was scared as hell about posting what I write and showing it to whoever is out there but my friend who helped me create this account pushed me to do this! I have to thank her for that. She got me out of my shell! I will be posting some of the things I wrote. I hope people think it's worth wasting a couple of minutes or more to read it.